From Excitement to Heartbreak

I love having every other Thursday off work (although I don’t necessarily like having to work every other Saturday in exchange). It gives me a chance to clean house, run errands, and sometimes relax by myself without interruptions and cutting into family time. In general, planning out my day and making my “to do” list gets me pumped up for some productivity. That’s precisely how last Thursday started and I went about my errand running. Grocery list. Check. Pick up Happy Slapowitz’s Toy Bash pillow from Smokin Brothers. Check. Pick up the new book I ordered from The Book Rack. Check. Bank deposit. Check. Random stop to look for camping treasures and self motivation books. Check. Groceries (ugh). Check.

I got home from my errand run just in time to put the refrigerator groceries and look out the window to see one of the heifers in the barn with her tail raised. And then she laid down. Cows don’t lay down when they’re pooping. Especially ones that are supposed to be having a baby any day. Woo!!! Grab the camera (it was super handy on the kitchen table), grab my phone, quickly swap tennis shoes for mud boots and head to the barn!!!

Momma had just laid down. I could see a foot and nose. Waterbag still intact. There’s the other foot. Things look normal as far as I could tell. This is really happening! My first live calving! I texted Ed. He’s at work so no surprise that I didn’t get an immediate response. I’m trying to be as quiet as possible as I snap some pics. I didn’t want to disturb momma any more than I already was by my presence, but it seems like things were stalling-going slower than I imagined. And the waterbag hadn’t broke yet but it seemed like the head was a little big. And the nose. Was that the tongue I could see? It’s kinda fat. I called a friend who had cattle. No answer-he’s probably at work too. I texted the neighbor. He was on his way home from work and would stop by. Things things started to progress some more. The sack broke and baby thrashed around a little bit. A couple more good pushes from momma and we seemed to be doing okay. Then she kept pushing but baby wasn’t coming any further out. I waited. I didn’t know at what point I should step in and help or how long it was supposed to really take. After a couple more pushes with no progress I grabbed the front feet and pulled gently when momma pushed again. Calf was all the way out, but didn’t seem to be breathing. It’s nose was swollen looking and that tongue was definitely bigger than it should have been. I took off my hoodie and cleared it’s nostrils and rubbed the chest a little. That’s what we do at the vet clinic with c-section puppies so… Then we got some movement and took some breaths so I stepped back. About that time I saw our neighbor pull in the driveway. Thank goodness we have awesome neighbors! I really needed someone else there with me-just someone being there calmed my nerves.

Momma laid there for a few more minutes. It seemed natural- that was a lot of work for her. Then she got up and walked away. Walked clear over on the other side of the hay ring and stood there. Then she moved up the fence line and proceeded to lay under a tree. To make this long story a little shorter- I called my boss about the hard and rapid breathing (she sounded like she was snoring) and the swollen tongue. The neighbor ran home to get what meds he had on hand. His wife offered to run to the vet clinic to pick up the other meds that my coworker was going to get together. We herded momma back down into the barn and closed the gate so she couldn’t leave again. Got baby girl her meds. Stood back and hoped momma would take over from there. There was a lot of hesitation on her part, but she inched closer until she started nuzzling a little bit. Then she’d step back. Then she’d take a couple licks. The breathing wasn’t getting any better. It was like she was breathing from her belly. She wasn’t making any effort really to stand. Doc said it might take a bit for the swelling to go down even with meds. All we could do now was give them some alone time and wait. If she didn’t get up to nurse in a couple of hours, we’d tube feed her some colostrum.

I went back out and checked on them about 30 minutes later. No changes. Ed came home briefly and we went back out to check on them (about 5:00pm, this all started about 2:15). The snoring noise had stopped. The tongue was about down to normal size. Her belly was still just pumping up and down super hard and fast. She was laying in a different spot than before so momma had obviously been encouraging her to stand. Ed got off work at 7:00 so the plan was to give her some injectible antibodies when he got home and see if we could get her up on her feet. If not, then we’d tube feed her. I went back out around 6:00. She was laying different again and momma was nudging her to get up. She actually moo’d a little calf moo. She’d kick around but just couldn’t get her body up enough to get her feet under her. Then she stopped. She stopped everything. I rubbed her and told her to keep trying. I thought I heard her make a noise and take a breath. I wasn’t sure if she really did or if it was wishful thinking. I moved her out in the open so momma could get to her (she’d kicked around to where she was almost in the corner.) I stepped back. I rubbed her so more. It didn’t matter. She was gone.

I’m sure someone more experienced would’ve done something differently. I don’t know that it would have made a difference but maybe they wouldn’t have had the feeling of incompetence that I had at least. I told Doc about everything at work the next morning. He said it sounded like there wasn’t anything more that I could have done. After he came back from lunch, he told me he’d been thinking more about it and thought it sounded like something with her heart- the hard rapid breathing was what made him think that. Something with a part that’s supposed to close off at birth…it made sense at first but then he lost me. I don’t know if he’d really been pondering the causes or was trying to make me feel better by giving me a possible reason that was beyond my control. Either way, I got to witness my first calf being born. And my first calf dying. And it sucks.

No one prepares you for this. Of course you know that it’s always a possibility but you don’t really expect it. It’s one thing to know the calf didn’t make it. It’s another to wonder if you did something wrong. Or maybe you just didn’t necessarily do the right thing at the right time. Maybe the calf would’ve made it if you hadn’t been there. Maybe something would have gone wrong with the cow too. Maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference like Doc said. When I told Lando that the calf didn’t make it he told me that he thought one might die and that things like that happen. And when he asked if I was sad and I replied, “Yes”- he said it probably had to do with me being a mom, that moms can be sadder about things like that. The hard part is knowing he’s kinda right. I’m sure it does make a difference that I’m a mom. Even if I hadn’t been witness to the happenings of the afternoon, I’m sure it still would have affected me. Maybe not as strongly, but it would have. I think I would still feel that little bit of heartache for momma when I looked out Saturday morning to see her gazing in the direction of her buried baby. I probably would have still mouthed “I’m sorry” when she turned to look at me through the patio door instead. This sucks.